Whoops

Yesterday morning. Terrible night's sleep. Dreamt I slept through my rowing class--my last real one!--to...sleep through my rowing class.

The alarm was set for 4:45 a.m. For some reason, the volume had been turned down--I think I knocked it when I moved some clothes on my dresser.

(Hey, it's a $5 alarm clock. It doesn't play music, it plays static.)

I woke up, panicked. 5:45.

I missed the class.

I couldn't even go down to the boathouse, because they would have already been well away from the dock.

I was sad.

You know what bothered me? Not only missing out on something I like, but the paranoia that creeps in--oh my gosh, what if people have a great rowing day out there and they start thinking that *I'm* the one who's the fuckup?

There are a few practice sessions before the regatta, but I can only make 1 of them (and barely at that).

Saturday @ 7 -- I'm running. it'll be early because of the hot.
Monday @ 5:30 a.m. - Can't make this one.
Wednesday @ 5:30 a.m. -- Can make this one, but it'll be on not much sleep and I'll be shitty, I bet.

I'm annoyed.

But I still want to do this. I said I was interested, and I will follow through.

I think.

I am a big planner. A big committer. I like to say "hey, yeah, I'll go and do that, " or "Let's get together," or "I'll throw a party!" anything like that--but really, when it comes down to it, there are very few things (if anything) that I don't want to cancel last-minute.

I think I've gotten better at this, but it's still my first impulse. To say "Naw. I won't do it, after all."

I don't know why I do that, but I do. It is innate. Oftentimes at parties--even ones I throw, especially ones I throw--I go upstairs and hide a little bit. Like, I use the pretense of checking in on the cats, which are sequestered in a bedroom. I just feel like I need to hit the "pause" button on myself.

That's a feeling that's not concrete enough for me to make one of my Tries. It's just something I'm sharing.

But I think I need to go to this regatta.